high-contrast

people always find it odd that i never use the drawers and closets offered to me while i'm attempting sleep in a foreign room. i just can't bring myself to unpack. living out of my suitcase has been instinct for quite sometime, since my first trip, so why try and change something so intricatly woven into the brain? i get this feeling of complete lonliness when i travel, and i long for home and the familiarity it brings. i can't make home anywhere else, because it worries me. i mean, it seems so permanent. i'm never quite sure when i'll need to pack up in a hurry to escape whatever feeling that is planted in the room, or state for that matter.

i never knew what happened, what i did to undermine that relationship. i did whatever i could but something happened along the way, my colors bled through and led him astray. i can remember a lot about our first date, i can tell anyone where we went, how the kiss felt, and what was going through my mind. i can tell you that it was our only date, but i can't tell you why, because i'm not really sure. maybe he figured i wasn't like the other girls, maybe it was my fault for always drowning in thought. maybe ijust need to clear my head once and a while to slow my heartbeat. i guess it's too late now to calm my inner writer. maybe i'm completely

when you think you've known someone for years and that you could finish their sentences if required, something changes. something that has been a hibernating issue for years, shows itself and then you've no idea what happened or how to grab control back. that's the problem with getting close to someone. they're bound to let you down sometime and it's not even slightly predictable. an incredibly desparing thought. i'd just assume take residence in a heavily wooded area where i can be alone. i mean, i have a hard enough time trying to track my own transformations, why add to the equation? i guess it's fine for those people who can handle it, bu

Tonight was a particularly despondent night at the restaurant. It doesn't help that I'm worrying myself to a frail and boring woman every single day of my life. I was considering getting tested for an anxiety disorder, but then I thought about it and realized I don't need the medication or the extra bills. I honestly don't think I even have a disorder, and I'm not sure I believe in that, anyway. I mean, the "disorder" is essentially your God-given personality, and I'm sick of science trying to alter all of us to make the perfect happy society that will never be possible. Anyway worrying gives me something to do, it's a terrible way to pass th

it doesn't really depend on who i'm with. i'm an easily pleased girl, and i'm one girl for only one boy. i apologize if that's terribly black and white. it seems as though that's how the cards have been landing these days. i'm not one to complain though, i've been blessed with the means to live the good life this past month, and it seems to me as though coffee stains are just a patch of sepia to tone up an ordinary experience of daily persuits. anyway it feels good to get away for an hour and leave my phone at home. but back to the subject of black and white which i've been dreading, what a shame. a lovely boy took me out to dinner last night

i guess i just thought you should know that while you've been gone, you've driven me completely mad. you've somehow managed to refrain from calling me or contacting me whatsoever for three days and counting. and i'm sure when i see you you'll tell me that your phone had somehow self-destructed making it impossible for you to call me. and i mean, while it will probably be true, i'll still get this gut feeling. anyway so i couldn't sleep at all last night, so i thought about leaving you a thank you message. but then i also realized that i need to just breathe and maybe have some sort of faith in you. it's just that last time this happened, i we

Given the fact that I've come here to think things over, I guess I don't mind sharing my greatest fears. I mean, there are the classic fears that just make us human, and those I think you could guess. But there is one that's been nesting itself at the top of the list for quite sometime now. That is the fear that you will change your mind, and leave me again for good. It's just a little fear though, and who's to say it'll come true. But I can't help lying awake sometimes thinking it all over. I mean, what would I actually do with myself if you up and went? I guess I'd move on with my life. Yeah, that's about it. And being the girl that I am, I

we were talking, you and i, about fate and chance. i'd never really felt inclined to speak to anyone about that subject because i'd always realized that every current situation is not able to be altered. but today, on the drive there, we talked of 'what ifs' and 'whys'. of course, the conversation ended in an accepting tone, and we decided it's a wonderful thing to be a part of chance.  but really, i considered in my mind, the most secretive place. if i had never met you, where would i be? i mean, right now. it would still be 85 degrees outside on a wednesday night. those things cannot be changed. i then dismissed the thought again, for the s

i hate the slow change in mood. i mean, it's like this unavoidable fate and it happens when you're closing your eyes for a quick count to ten. but i hate it so much and i can't keep it away. and i swear i've been looking for a cure, but there's nothing on this end that keeps the phone from being one sided when i'm speaking. and i want to do things right, but no one ever told me how. like a set of directions, or a really poorly drawn map. on top of that, i keep this close watch on the clock. good morning? maybe in a few hours, i'll be awake and taking medicine for the day, and screening phone calls. but it's not like i ever feel guilt

i found my way down to a local auction a few days ago. it was in a little white barn, packed with a lifetime collection of things i would have considered "junk" without a more intensive glance. the auctioneer was calling out prices as the crowd held up numbers. it was almost automatic, and i had this feeling that if i could pick up a rock from outside and throw it in the right spot, the turning wheels would stop and make the room a freeze frame. i couldn't tell you much about the determined worth of things though. my mind was caught up in what i'd heard earlier that day. an old woman had passed away, and this particular auction was all of her

you are crisp & i am biting crumble slowly to traveled pavement i must be cruel this is the nature of my existence